Self Improvement – Are You Managing… or Micro Managing? (part 1)

How to really tell if too much control is getting you down.

Juggle Bungle – that’s just what you want to avoid. The kids have tests coming up, you need to train the new maid, there’s a pile of office assignments to complete. And next month’s holiday air – tickets haven’t been booked, the boss wants ideas for the new account, you need to pick up the dry – cleaning…
What’s a woman to do? Manage everything, of course!
So you issue lists to your husband, call your kids, email your colleagues, take notes, make more lists, trying to do it all… and then you find out that they’ve been calling you a micro – manager – bossy, demanding, interfering, or worst of all, a “control freak”!
What’s more, all this organising can be very stressful. You may find yourself grinding your teeth, not sleeping well, and even developing a fast heartbeat. There’s also the risk of developing hypertension, heart attacks and peptic ulcers.
Emotionally, you become uptight. And because you are unable to take a break from taking charge, you feel mentally spent and burnt out.
Worst of all, you worry that if you let up for a second, all hell will break loose and you will have failed, as a wife, woman and mother.

Are you too controlling?
“Over – controllers are usually “preoccupied with orderliness, rules and perfectionism”, says Dr Adrian Wang, consultant psychiatrist at the Anxiety and Mood Clinic at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH).
He points out that some degree of perfectionism or attention to detail is necessary in life – the key is getting the balance right. “For example, I would want my dentist or pilot to be exacting in doing his or her tasks,” explains Dr Wang. “But control becomes a little to much when you must be in control all the time for everything.”

Are you afraid of being hurt?
“People who have been hurt before are another major group of over – controllers. It’s almost as if they’re trying to avoid being hurt again by aiming to be in total control,” adds Dr Ung, who is a consultant psychiatrist and psychotherapist at Adam Road Hospital.
Dr Les Parrott, author of The Control Freak, says, “The more anxious a person feels, the more likely she will try to manage it through controlling behaviour. The more in control she feels, the less anxiety she experiences.”
But the irony is, the more you try to control, the more out of control and anxious you can feel. So how can you handle all the responsibilities you have today, yet also relax a little?

Lighten Up – Without Giving Up.
- Decide you want to let go.
“The problem is that most control freaks don’t want to let go of control or perceived power,” says Dr Ung.
- Realise you can.
“Ask yourself honestly, ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do X or Y? Is it that important?’ ” says Dr Wang.
- Do it in small chunks.
“Think about how you could be ‘more balanced’ in a specific area for a start, and try it for a month,” says Dr Ung.
- Allow alternatives.
“Acknowledge that even if things are done another way, they’re not necessarily wrong. It doesn’t make you less or unimportant in any way,” says Dr Wang.
- Listen for a change.
“Listen to the feedback from those who are around you,” says Dr Wang.
- Go one step further.
“If you are over – controlling someone, seek their understanding and forgiveness to help you change,” says Dr Ung.
- Keep a journal.
Review your commitment to track your progress. And reward yourself when you do manage to relax!

The Micro – Managed Office.
- Don’t “hover around your employee’s shoulder” or take back an assigment before she’s had a chance to complete it, advises Sukhvinder Kaur, marketing communications specialist at Kelly Service, a global staffing services company.
- If you are the “victim” or a control freak, don’t simply ignore the problem. But don’t take controller head – on either – especially if she is your boss. Emily Foo, managing director of E. L. Consult Singapore, a Sidney – based HR firm, says, “Head – on confrontation may provoke even more lack of trust. “Instead, clearly list how you’re going to tackle the project, in what steps, and by what time. This may allow her to relax enough to let you get on with it.

to be continued in part 2